Getting a grasp on reality is a difficult thing to do when you have a mental disorder.
Because your mind keeps coming back to the same crap topic over and over and over again. You can't help thinking "What about that one anomaly? That one friggin chance that it could happen," because as we know there is always a chance. And even though that it is a very slim chance that the thing that could shake your world and break your heart and possibly the heart of another could happen you still fear that very very slim chance. And the very thought just tears through you like a dull knife and you wish to God that you could just shake it off and not ever think of it EVER again, it always comes back to haunt you. It never ever leaves.
People always tell you "Let it go. They have! You're the only one hanging on." and you sit there and laugh and you say, "Hell, don't you think I WANT to? Do you think this is FUN for me?!"  And they grow exasperated with you and you grow exasperated with them and yourself. All you want is reassurance that it won't happen. And yet you don't want to lull yourself into a false sense of security.
I want to let this topic go. I don't want to ever think on it ever again. But my fear it just might happen is very overwhelming. I'm drowning in it and I don't see that this ghost will ever stop haunting me.
So please you damned specter of an emotion, screw the hell off.


"In sooth, I know not why I am so sad:
It wearies me; you say it wearies you;
But how I caught it, found it, or came by it,
What stuff 'tis made of, whereof it is born,
I am to learn;
And such a want-wit sadness makes of me,
That I have much ado to know myself."